It’s been 6 years since Transgender Dysphoria Blues by the band Against Me! came out. I spent a lot of nights hiding and crying in my room with this album playing in the background. At the time, I would throw my binder on, scrunch my hair up in a hat, and take a shit ton of selfies. The words to the song True Trans Soul Rebel would yell “All dressed up and nowhere to go” and “Does God bless your transsexual heart, true trans soul rebel?” in the background as I was too afraid to go outside as I was. The closing track would start playing by the time I gathered myself again, a track about trying to escape the outside world in order to live as one’s true self, and more thoughts would roll out. “Standing naked in front of that hotel bathroom mirror, in her dysphoria’s reflection, she still saw her mother’s son” …this lyric would punch me in the face. It was a lyric that would remind me that I was not alone in that dark place. I would go to Against Me! shows and present under different names at times. You see, Against Me!’s lead vocalist, Laura, is a trans woman, and seeing this confident woman on stage and just being herself made the fires within me burn more and more each time. What made her even more impressive to me was that she would meet with fans after the shows and interact with them on social media. I’ve interacted with her enough now that she knows my name by heart, which really makes my fanboy heart proud.
A couple of years after the album came out, I reached a point where I couldn’t take it anymore. I was either going to live my life as Elliott full time or die. I then typed out a letter that I would send at 2 am right after Halloween night. Of course, Against Me! would play in the background as I typed it out. I remember the lyric “Even if you’re love is unconditional; it still wouldn’t be enough to save me” really sticking out to me as I wrote that letter. I would end up being lucky and having my parents accept me. I was lucky enough to be able to go to Against Me! shows right after starting testosterone and again while healing from top surgery. Laura would congratulate me after both. One very memorable time leaning down from the stage, shaking my hand, and saying she was “so happy for me.”
Check out Against Me! at https://www.againstme.net/