by Angela Lindeman
For as far back as I can remember, I never really felt like I fit in anywhere. I could never put my finger on why that was though. I spent lots of time thinking about it over the years.
I distinctly remember when I was about 8 or 9 years old having a little, pink, rainbow-decorated case that held everything Barbie-related that I owned. It was hidden in the back of my closet and only came out to be played with when I was alone. For some reason, I didn’t want anyone to know that I had them. I couldn’t tell you why to this day. Interestingly enough, I almost always would cut their hair to an extremely short pixie cut and would color their hair with markers. I recall at around 5- or 6-years old fighting with the neighbor boy over a Tonka dump trunk as well.
Needless to say, I didn’t grow up looking or behaving like the typical little girls that I went to school with. I hated dresses, skirts, jewelry, and bows for a very long time. I also never grew out of it. I was an awkward teenager that fit in nowhere, had my own style, and marched to my own drummer.
As a teen, the girls whom I went to school with were always talking about hair, makeup, fashion, and the stuff that they were reading about in magazines. They were really into the school dances and who they were dating at the time. No matter how hard I tried, I just could not find any interest in that stuff. I always had short hair when the trends were long. I chose clothing that I loved that no one was wearing. I just always stuck out. While the rest of the girls were seeking out their dates for the dances, I was in the clubs and committees making those dances happen. Don’t get me wrong…I dated plenty in high school, but it never looked the way it did with the other girls.
From a young age, I never understood the gender “rules” about clothing, toys, interests, hobbies, etc. I took home ec and woodshop because they were both interesting to me. All during high school, my very best friends were guys. They just made so much more sense to me than girls did. In the dating world, I immediately realized that I was different as well. I thought that I was broken for finding boys and girls both attractive. I didn’t have a word for what that was.
As I have aged, many of these traits have stuck around. I have grown my hair out long and then suddenly cut it back off to very short and donated it. I almost never wear makeup and more traditionally “feminine” interests are usually not my thing. I have long been interested in cars, racing, demolition derby, etc. I am very into the outdoors, gardening, and never afraid to get dirty. I went to a college homecoming dance dressed to the 9s even with a French tip manicure and the very next day was working on a derby car with grease all over my fancy nails.
I have only come to realize in the last couple of years that there is a term for the way that I have always felt but could name. At the age of 41, I finally learned that I have been nonbinary my entire life or genderfluid to be more specific. My gender expression slides back and forth on a spectrum from more feminine to more masculine. There are times that I really want to wear some makeup and my long flowy, maxi skirts. There are other times that the thought just annoys me, and then there are times in between. Upon making this discovery, I realized that in my heart of hearts, in my mind, and in my gut, I had always known that I wasn’t “just a girl”. I am fine with my body as it is, but I have never felt comfortable with the way men or women are expected to perform in the binary.
As a nonbinary person, I am now comfortable in my skin knowing that I can be a bit of both and everything in between…that there is a word for who I am and it doesn’t have to be a mystery any longer. I am who I am, and that can vary day-to-day and that is just fine with me.